PROCRASTINATION

Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself.
- Monty Python (?)


Those who know me well (and even not so well) are probably well aware of my tendency to procrastinate. I put things off until the last minute, manage to get them done (usually), but not usually to my satisfaction. I've tried for years to figure out this peculiar and at times destructive behaviour (with the help of a couple of shrinks) and have come to this (these) conclusion (s):

1) I'm lazy, stupid, untalented and ugly (I don't believe this now, but I did for a long time. I realize now I how damn handsome I am!)

2) I have a tremendous fear of failure. If I don't try hard enough, I might not succeed, but I won't fail too badly either.

3) One possible manifestation of my ADD is a paralyzing inability to bring a project to completion. I start things with great enthusiasm, energy and concentration. I'll get through 90% of it, and then I'll sometimes sit for what seems like hours at a time, trying to find the right word or chord or whatever, even though there are another perfectly good words or chords or whatevers at the tip of my tongue, and this overwhelming feeling of dread and anxiety comes over me.  Sometimes, I can't break out of it, and I go onto playing minesweeper or read a magazine, just to make the dread go away. It's been like that for as long as can remember. I've found coping mechanisms in the past few years and it's better. It's one reason I wanted to do this blog.  I thought that daily routine of writing would allow me to stave off the demons. But no, they have returned in full force. For the past 3 days, I haven't been able to write a word. I haven't been able to do very much of anything actually. I promised myself, that no matter how shitty and badly written and spelling and grammar-mistake riddled it was, I would write and post an entry today if it killed me, and it looks like I just have. James 1 - ADD 0.